Gag Me With a Silver Spoon

It is so important to keep true to ourselves and stay away from things that are toxic to our well being. I've paid my dues and learned many lessons about myself, my world, and all that is important for me -which all has lead me to the person I am today. All the goals I have in front of me are reachable, and many have already been reached and are acted on every day. So why then am I allowing someone that is clearly a breach of my own code of ethics so close to me everyday? It's beginning to take its toll on my psyche and emotional balance. I'm finding myself pulling back on rewards for my own family just so not to give so much to this person who just will not leave from my life.

At first it was a sort of put up with it thing where he can stay home with the kids while I took my night classes. As Dad said, me being in school so much, it's probably a big help with all he does around the homestead. But the truth is that it is much more taxing on me that it should be. If the wasn't a relationship there, it would be different, but the constant "I love you" in lieu of conversation, and the TV being on all the flipping time rather than enjoying one another's company, and the moodiness that just sucks away any positive that may have been put forth, just is shadowing over and blocking out my sunshine. Must I really leave my own home to be alone and comfortable?

I suppose the time will come where I will just have a sudden strength to push hard enough for him to stay away. Believe me the will has been there for a long time, as has been the strength to make it happen - but he just won't leave. Even in the good times he'll cross over with some smarmy words of discouragement.

The timing of everything is off. He interrupts me no matter what I'm doing, even when I'm talking to him! He I'll be, at my laptop, mind set in writing mode and "I love you babe!" jars me right out of my skin. Leave me the fuck alone already! If I ignore it, as advised by anyone with half a brain, he will start commenting things like, "Ignoring me?" " What, you mad?" " You ain't talkin'?"
Which ends up screwing up all concentration and comfort in my body. Wrecked.

Then there's the grammar. Ugh. I'm already picky enough about poor grammar - the double negatives, ain't being said humorlessly, and the like. He drives me insane, especially when my own children correct him - they're 6 and 10 for crying out loud! You'd think he'd get a clue. I'm a teacher, I'm educated, smart, witty, goal oriented, down to earth, positive, patient, and very forgiving. He has it made with me, yet still he takes full advantage - I guess that's just what he does. I'm thinking the past relationships have been the same - mooching, sucking, gathering, until the person he's with flips out and tells him to fuck off because they just can't take it anymore. Then he regards them with contempt because they've cast him aside.

I've known men like this before, more men than women to be sure. Narcissism at its finest, which is most difficult for me to wrap my brain around as far as a way to be. If anything I make most effort to not inflict myself upon others and even shut up and let praise pass me by in order to not draw attention to myself.

My biggest concern with all of this is the children, how they're influenced, how much of a negative impact will be imposed upon them with the situation as it is and then any further decisions I will end up making. Their mother is in a relationship with someone who isn't a very nice guy, not too smart, has little regard to authority and law, smokes pot to self medicate well beyond what is normal, and tells his dog to shut up all the time. Our home is normally a very peaceful place. I divorced their dad because he brought so much angst into our house, and we are all the better for the split. Now this.

My answer is about timing, not what to do, or even how to do it, but when. It's a matter of when. Ideally, when my schooling is done and I've received my degree - no more night classes. I will have all the time in the world. But that is a year away. A whole year. How much will happen in that year? How much more bonded will the kids be to him and therefore causing a greater difficulty in booting his ass out the door? Or perhaps they will grow weary of him as well. There are times when they tell me he needs to go home for awhile. Never a smooth transition.

See it...

Oh, happy day. Snow makes everything, even the most unattractive things, beautiful. When snow falls, even heavily, it's so quiet that it remains peaceful despite chaos that might occur from it. On the way home from town last evening, there were two vehicles overturned - people still drive too fast. I guess that makes Santa pretty smart for traveling airborne in a sleigh for landing gear.

"Mom!" I hear this as I'm wrapped snug in a blanket, reading; my coffee at bay, steaming at the ready. "Come heeeere!" Ugh, I'm thinking... "I need help, moooooom!" Alright, that's a different story, I think, imagining a mess ready to happen or a kid stuck in an uncompromising position. There he was standing at the door obviously unable to open it. Was this the problem, cold hands? "Here - take this. I want to save it." I am handed a small ball of snow. The cold in my hands make me feel warm inside. Hmmm, I wish I had snow to play in when I was six. 
The snowball, such as it is, sits on top of a salmon steak.